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| "Dream on the Line" ©Toni Ruppert - Mixed Media on Panel |
Since my last post, I’ve grappled and considered something major for me and I wanted to share it with you. If you’ve ever taken a stand for your values...or wanted to, this is for you.
Last week, I realized a dream I've had for almost 15 years. I've wanted to get accepted into graduate school. But, I almost damaged my marriage, almost went deeper in debt and almost shunned my values to achieve it.
Almost.
Last week, I was accepted into an MFA (Master of Fine Arts) program. I was on another conference call when the call came in. I was so excited, I told everybody in my little world. Besides sharing it with my family, I screamed it from my “front porch” on Facebook, Linkedin and Twitter.
The day after I received acceptance, I received my financial aid award letter which included $10,000 in subsidized and unsubsidized loans. Without seeking advice, I hurriedly signed my online promissory note. I did not talk with my husband and he did not know before then that I was agreeing to go deeper in debt.
(insert major argument here)
Not only did I make this hurried financial decision, I almost rejected my values to reach for the opportunity. I received a draft of my residency plan (the document showing what kinds of questions we’d be talking about this semester) from the school. It included learning about and watching performances about role play, fluid identities and gender identity issues. Some of the visiting artists/faculty performances that spoke to gender identity issues were not part of my value system.
I am a Christ follower. An imperfect person trying to follow Him who is perfect.
I was very much torn. I wanted to focus on the opportunity and not see a conflict with my values. After a good talk with Beth, an awesome life coach, I write out pros and cons of attending the school. I then sought counsel from a dear friend who helped me see that the anger/hurt/loss I felt was OK.
After thoughtful consideration, I decided to decline acceptance to the school.
I thank all of the folks who wrote letters of recommendation for me. I also thank all of my friends who sent me kudos and congratulations. It all meant a lot to me.
What’s next? I’m not sure. I surrender to God and realize I need help with the next step(s).
What do I know for sure? His next step is better than my next step.
Have you ever felt like this?
11 comments:
I truly commend you for doing so...following your true self although it had been your dream.
Kudos - congrats on all aspects
Anna
Your integrity speaks volumes, Toni. Thank you for choosing to be a teacher rather than a student in this case.
Following Christ takes us on roads unknown...but He gives us the Spirit to find the best. Yeah Toni. Yeah Father God.
Toni, You are an amazing beautiful woman & I'm proud to call you my friend. It takes awesome courage to set yourself apart for God. Isaiah 55:9 comes to mind...“As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. He will give you the desires of your heart that HE has placed in your heart & He will bless you in His perfect timing. The stand you took for Him today will be honored & many hearts are & will be touched. Love you girl
Toni,
Congratulations on getting accepted into the program and on having the courage to withdraw. That took a lot of gumption, for which I give you credit.
You have to do what feels right.
Toni---We still love you lots! I'm so glad you made the tough decision to stay on the narrow path. God will give you something even better than that program had to offer.
Toni, trust in your instincts and values. They've been created over years of experience and they wouldn't steer you wrong. You have around you, something far bigger and valuable and the opportunities that lie within you shall never fade hun. They only wait for their awakening.
I actually think your decision is admirable and humbling as a young married woman myself with a child.
And no matter what I'll always be peaking at your blog and art and rooting for ya int he corner :)
Sacrifice what u r for what u can become Charles dubois. That's the quote that has meant so much to me and means different things at different stages in my life. I was accepted to one of the top five doctoral programs in the nation for school psychology and I used that quote during and after. Am I a doctor now? No but I am a mother and a wife sometimes we get caught up in titles it's crazy they r good dont get me wrong and u do great things with them but u have to see what's going on in ur life and what u will be damaging/ sacrificing... for me i would be sacrificing so much just to finish...I was 102 hrs into the program yes just about done except for the dissertation a couple of classes and a year of internship...what happened I met the man of my dreams and had a surprise my first born came along and that's when the decision was made...I can always go back to school but there's only one chance at being a mom For me. Could I have gone and finished yes but at what expense? It's all relative for some and there r many women who do it and I am happy for them and yes sometimes I wish I had finished but then u think of my regrets when my kids r out of the house and I'm oldand gray and missed so much that I couldn't handle. u can always find another school that u r happy with and that makes u happy ur bold and strong for nit settling most would sell out... God blesses those that seek Him and with that u can never go wrong who is more powerful than He? I feel u and yes I have felt the way u have ;) God is with us. Bluecorner
Thank you all for the supportive comments. I'm so grateful for each one of you.
Toni, I'm just now catching up on your journey. I am so sorry that you could not continue on the path that you so badly wanted. I also applaud your decision to withdraw. Your courage in the face of this disappointment is inspiring.
Best wishes for your future -
Hi Patty--Thank you for your comment here and for stopping by to catch up on my journey. The artist life is always interesting, yes?
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