Being Disappointed Without Being Disappointing

"Love in Diversity" - Mural proposal ©Antonia Ruppert

Life is messy. Have you noticed that there is no way around that? We are not perfect but human. And as humans, we grapple with disappointment. This week has proved this to me in living color. 

But first, might I share the last few weeks in pictures?

©Antonia Ruppert

Painting Live for After the Due Order CD release
©Photo by Les Stevens

Robin Tillotson (thisidoforme.com) and I at my Loyola U show.
©Antonia Ruppert

"Portraits of Motherhood" exhibit at the Cicero Public Library
©Antonia Ruppert

After traveling, live painting for a CD release and two back to back shows at Loyola University Chicago and the Cicero Public Library, I was not expecting this week to get so messy.  I guess I had my guard down.

This week, my very good friend and fellow artist Elaine shared a mural opportunity with me. Though we both realized too late that the deadline had passed by one day, I called the organization. I was told that I had until the next day to get my materials in.  I was elated. I jumped.  Really fast -  I jumped. My eighth grade teacher Mrs. Mae would've been proud of the way I kicked procrastination to the side and got on with it.

I decided to create something that I thought was huge and magnificent. I stayed up way too late and got up early to finish.  I even put it out on Instagram and Facebook to get input about my idea.

Which one? Top or Bottom? ©Antonia Ruppert

After all that, I finished in time.  One little messy detail was that the mural opportunity had a boundary restriction - meaning artists had to live in a specific area.  I called the gentleman back from the organization to inquire.  I eventually called twice and left an email. 

To make a long story short, just before sending the mural proposal I called the organization again. This time he picked up the phone and said matter-of-factly "Oh yes, you definitely need to live within this area." Crushed.

Nope, I did not get ghetto -  thank God. Yes, I kept my sanity.

Despite being utterly frustrated, I managed to call my friend Pastor Sarah who shared some wisdom. "You've got to be disappointed without being disappointing."

After coming to grips with the failure, I found these to be truths:

1. Thou Shalt Not Take it Personal: 
This gentleman's inability to call me or email me back is not a sign of anything related to me. It wasn't even about me, just something that happened.

2. Being Disappointed is OK, Letting It Go Is Better:
Don't run from the emotion. Hold it. And then let it go. Go for a walk. Jump on the treadmill. Write in your journal. Self-care.

3. Fill Your Head With Gratitude and Affirmation: 
Perhaps you find yourself, like me, severely disappointed in a circumstance. We can still find 10 things that you can positively be grateful for. Check out my inspirational renewal cards. Currently available, you can take 10 seconds and redirect your outlook. We can be affirming. 

4. Tons of Folk Have "Been There" Too:
In the book, "Daring Greatly," author Brene Brown talks about "common humanity" in which one can realize that "suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy" are part of being human.  All of us go through this.  

In conclusion, if you can relate today, be encouraged. Life is messy but we're not a mess.  As I leave you with my positive affirmations, remember we can be disappointed without being disappointing. 

Daily Affirmations ©Antonia Ruppert

Connection and Devotion: words for 2016

"Growing Heart and Hearth"
Acrylic Mixed Media
12x12
©Antonia Ruppert

As I start 2016 with this first post, two words comes to mind: connection and devotion. 

Connection is something that we all need. Though we are connected via technology, some of us are yet alone or lonely.  As an artist I am acutely aware of this.  I started a project, "Faces of Strength" last year to connect to other moms in my neighborhood.  I have not mentioned it in a while here, but read this short post to catch up.  

Here is where devotion comes in. Devotion. Love, loyalty or enthusiasm for a person, activity or cause.  It is only pure devotion to this gift of an idea God gave me that keeps me going. It keeps me going from good to great.

This is the beginning of the painting shown above:

"Growing Heart and Hearth," progress picture

I almost said OK, but then I listened to "Three Feet from Gold" an audiobook by Sharon L. Lechter and Greg S. Reid.  In the book, entrepreneur Debbi Fields says, "Good enough never is..." 

I went to work in devotion.

"Growing Heart and Hearth," painting in progress

"Imaginary Parts" shown below is another painting that could have stopped at good enough. The painting was really missing something at first.  Then my daughter called me. I relaxed.

After talking for a while, I glanced at the painting and then the missing piece hit me. 

"Imaginary Parts"
Acrylic Mixed Media
12x12
©Antonia Ruppert

These first two paintings of the year will be shown along with others in the "Faces of Strength" series.  I am so thrilled! They will be exhibited at Loyola University Chicago this spring.  It is my intention to share more details about the show as we get closer to the show.

Let me ask, what are you devoting yourself to this year?  How will you connect deeply as the year progresses?

For the One Who Thinks 1986 is Ancient

"Imani"
©Antonia Ruppert
Watercolor
8x11

Doesn't it just rub you when your kids think you're waaay uncool? Here is a poem inspired by my youngest daughter, Imani, age 9 - who currently thinks 1986 is ancient.  To read why I wrote this, go here.  

One Day ©Antonia Ruppert

One day soon in the mirror you’ll see

all I had hoped you’d be

You’ll look long and hard and say

“Mom also wore her hair that way.”

Your skin etched with laughter 

where smooth use to be

Your velvety hands

moistened with Mr. Clean

That your way will be guided 

and your dreams made true

Is all I can ever hope for you.

Yet, in the mirror, one day, you’ll see

though today you laugh hilariously.

In the mirror one day you’ll see,

you’re more than ever like me.

What I Learned this Week about Laughter

"In the Mirror"
©Antonia Ruppert
Acrylic and Mixed Media
12x12

Do you ever laugh at yourself? This week I learned that part of being human is being able to laugh at your own experiences.  My 9 year old spent some part of this evening watching some of my old videos and laughing. 

This was NOT a “laugh with you” kind of laugher.

She said look at your clothes, why did you wear that? (And I thought my clothes were just fine.)

She then said, “Look Mom, look at your dancing!” After some moments of watching, she finally said “You freak me out!”

I had to say OK and laugh with her. Some of my old videos were a bit much -  to say the least.  We had a moment together.

I am working on a poem - an ode to my youngest which I will share with you next post.

Pictured in this post is another painting from my series Faces of Strength.  “In the Mirror” is a rendition of Sylvia. Another painting of Sylvia is posted here.

This week I learned to not take myself so seriously. Have you laughed at your own self lately? 

Go ahead, look again at those old videos. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

Still Life There!

"Still Life There" © Antonia Ruppert
9x12 -  Acrylic and Charcoal on Panel

I love when something destined for refuse gets reused.  These dried flowers I wrote about in my last post still hold beauty.  I decided to paint another painting with my hand holding the blossom from a different angle.

I'm reminded of something my friend Maritza often says, "He wastes nothing" meaning God wastes nothing.  I'm convinced our lives are like that.  We may feel washed up, tired and ready for a siesta - but there is something yet beautiful in each life experience.

Paul Manwaring talks about nothing being wasted in his blog piece "He Got You Ready, He Wastes Nothing." Its a short post but full of meaning.

Meanwhile, my piece "Still Life There" is of a flower I was ready to toss. I'm so glad I didn't.

Almost Losing a Child; an Easter Reflection

"Kayla's Longing"  12x16  Watercolor  ©Toni Rupper

Last week I almost lost my artistic muse of 18 years.  My daughter was in a car accident in which the car was totaled.  I call her my muse because in addition to being a gift from God, she has truly been my inspiration and creative stimulus.

As an artist, I sit and reflect on Kayla as my creative muse.   I realize that many times, I’ve taken her for granted.  I’ve been on “artsy - auto - pilot” many times.

Kayla has posed for me and I’ve drawn and painted her through out the years. “Stay there!” I shout as I run to get my camera. “Hold that pose please,” I plead as I rush to get my pastels.  From the time she was a wee one, I’ve practiced my artistry with her. 

"Best Friends II"  12x16  Watercolor   ©Toni Ruppert

The Night it Almost Changed

As a Mom, I sit here and reflect on my daughter’s accident.  I came upon the night scene with flashing lights, police and my little car off to the side at a weird angle.  The car was on the opposite side of the road, turned backwards.

After being directed to park across the road, I made my way back to find her.  I hugged her and commenced the serious work of being a Mom to a teen who has experienced a car accident. 

Later, as my husband and I went to retrieve our belongings from the tow company, I saw the wreck in daylight.  A machine. Smashed, crushed and destroyed.  My daughter and her two friends walked away unscathed.

I praise God for his infinite mercy in this matter.  It could have been much worse.  I can not imagine a parent losing their child in this way.  As I said, my child has been my inspiration for close to 20 years:

"Dreaming of Innocence"  24x36  Acrylic  ©Toni Ruppert

"Kayla Sleeping"  12x16   Charcoal  ©Toni Ruppert

"Kayla Sleeping"  18x24  Mixed Media  ©Toni Ruppert 

"Kayla Posing for Me"  9x12  Pastel  ©Toni Ruppert

"Angel of Glory"  9x12  Watercolor ©Toni Ruppert

"Longing II"  12x16  Watercolor  ©Toni Ruppert

"Dreaming of Innocence"  24x48   Acrylic  ©Toni Ruppert

"Deliverance" 9x12  Acrylic  ©Toni Ruppert

Contemplating Easter

As last week fades more and more into the back ground, I reflect on Kayla...my art...and the Easter message of love.


Mary's son Jesus was crushed and it was no accident.

Isaiah 53:5
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Author and pastor Frederica Mathewes-Green offers her thoughts about Christ's crucifixion in her post, "Viewing the Crucifixion in a Different Light." 

 God did not spare his child.  I am a Mom and I cannot fathom the deep power of this kind of love.

 My friend, illustrator Gail Green said it best in her Facebook comment to me on my Facebook Page "...the message of Death and Resurrection is all the more poignant when we contemplate the deep pain of losing a child."

It is something to reflect on.

Your Future Success is Tied to Your Outlook

"Breaking Free" ©Antonia Ruppert - Acrylic, 8x16 inches

Something happened today, yesterday and will continue to happen to people everywhere:

The average person will generate 25,000 to 50,000 thoughts per day.

This was reported by David Carnes of Livestrong.com.  He quotes Hara Estroff Marano, Editor at Large of Psychology Today magazine. 

Many of these thoughts will be surprisingly negative. Billions of earthlings everywhere will think and act on these thoughts.  Many of us, myself included, are becoming more intentional about our thoughts. I'm getting more creative about keeping a positive outlook.

My painting "Breaking Free"(shown here) illustrates the pushing past of negative thoughts.  The words say, "No" and "No not you." At some point, the hands come up to push aside the negative words.

This is important because "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." (Bible, Old Testament).

Working at Being Positive
 I work daily on being positive by:

1. Calling friends when situations got dicey.
2. Calling upon my believing mirrors when I just don’t feel like painting.
3. Catching up with my artist friends and checking in weekly about artsy stuff and family stuff.
4. Focusing on what I have to be thankful for.

I try to maintain a positive outlook, despite the fact that my outlook does not always match my situation.

For example, yesterday my youth art class, “Artists with a Purpose” started in Tinley Park, IL.  This unique class will raise money for a local charity by creating 100 acrylic painted panels and selling many of them.  As I drove to the class, I realized that I had not grabbed all of the acrylic paint--nor did I have gesso(acrylic primer) for the 24 panels I wanted my students to work on.

As I was strapped for time, I made the decision to be on time for my class and not make an emergency run to Hobby Lobby. At first, during my journey, tears were in my eyes as I thought of the “disastrous” class that awaited me.  Then something shifted, as I thought of my daily affirmations:

1. I Thank You God that your gracious hand is upon me.
2. I Thank you God that your favor keeps my enemies from triumphing.
3. I Thank You God that your favor will make a way.
4. I trample all obstacles and roadblocks to receiving unlimited
   prosperity.
5. The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful.

 I had no idea exactly how it would all work out.

When I arrived, I met art teacher Carolyn - who was just finishing her class.  A master teacher, she told me she had been teaching at the Tinley Park Park district for 18 years. 

Without me asking, Carolyn and her aide Linda started helping me set up for my class.  First, Carolyn gave me tips on making my first day of class great.  Second, Linda actually helped me place newspaper on the tables to protect them - saving me loads of time.  Third, Carolyn pointed out that there was a bag of new acrylic paints in the supply cabinet. 

I felt overwhelmed with God’s favor.  In conclusion, the first day of “Artists with a Purpose” was awesome.

Final Notes about my Artistry
As promised in my last post - here are some of the work shown at my last show with artist Sylvia Westbrook at the Meet the Artist Night at Acorn Library in Oak Forest, IL.

This is "Happy Friday"...

"Happy Friday" ©Antonia Ruppert - Mixed Media, 9x12

and this is "Delivered and Set Free"...

"Delivered and Set Free" ©Antonia Ruppert - Acrylic, 8x10

I’ll leave you with this quote by LeAndria Johnson, Grammy winner -best gospel/contemporary Christian music:

“Always be positive.” “Don’t focus on the negative things in your life. Focus on the positive. The yes in you will be the yes for somebody else.”

Lil Wayne: 7 Success Tips for Artists

"Musical Notes"  12x12  Mixed Media  ©Toni Ruppert

Last night, I watched something I thought I’d never watch; over an hour of biographical video footage about grammy award winning American rapper Lil Wayne.  I watched the VH1 Behind the Music video,  his interview with American journalist Katie Couric and some other footage with my teen daughter, Kayla.   

Kayla told me she had already watched his VH1 interview with her father.  Since they had a bonding moment over it, I figured I’d watch it with her as well.  Reason aside - let’s just say I was fascinated by the footage.  My daughter got a real kick out of seeing my reaction.


Lil Wayne in one word: industrious. He is hardworking. On one of the videos, he is shown performing a full show and then getting on his tour bus to record new material.  It’s like he was driven to succeed.

I was fascinated by the interviews. Couric asked about the rumors of his alleged addiction to cough syrup and use of marijuana.  He was real about that. That was interesting to me--since I often allow food to get in my way.  I mean I can eat.  Food addiction means I’d rather eat pecan sandies cookies for breakfast than cook a real meal.  Intimate knowledge of my own struggles enabled me to understand this portion of the video. 

After watching this, I now better understand why Kayla was “super gaga” over the Lil Wayne phenomena.  From watching these videos with her, I gleaned 7 success tips for ANY artist:

7 Success Tips for Artists

1. Work hard: one needs the will to work hard; Lil Wayne tells Katie Couric he has this
2. Find mentors: one of the videos stated that Lil’ Wayne was mentored since age 9
3. Get involved:Lil Wayne did odd jobs at his old record label before he ever recorded
4. Be real and know one’s identity: it was obvious to me that he knows where he is from AND an even stronger sense of where he is going
5. Practice ones skill: In the Bible, one of my favorite sayings from King Solomon says “skill will bring success.” Lil Wayne embodied this as a youngster and with the old rap group, “Hot Boyz.” After the group disbanded, he was ready to do his thing.
6. Work with a team: It might have been my perspective, but it seemed as if real commercial success came after Li Wayne’s second album was a commercial thud.  He then chose a fresh team of producers and music folks to create with.
7. Be prepared to reinvent: Also after the second album, Lil Wayne said he reinvented his method of recording. In previous recordings, he had pre-written his lyrics.  After a reinvention, he says he began recording his music without using a pad of paper.  Whether this was totally “freestyle,” is debatable.  But his new way was different from the way he recorded before.
   

After watching these video tidbits about Lil Wayne, and gleaning these tips, I realize there is hard work to be done.  Watching Lil Wayne with my daughter has caused me to want to live to my creative potential.

Dance! (Like an Artist)

"The Children's Library", Oil, 24x36,  © Toni Ruppert

We were all dancing to music from the 90’s.  My husband and my girls and I.  This was music at least two of us were familiar with.  Whatever we did, my littlest one would mimic us.

We were dancing and laughing hysterically.  The scene made me think how much music has helped me lately. 

Music has helped me during my long hours at the painting easel.  I have been completing a year-long project for the Markham Public Library(IL) which includes several paintings.

Music from 80‘s R&B singer Chaka Khan, legends The Isley Brothers and contemporary Gospel musicians like The Winans and J. Moss--have me literally dancing at the easel and cause my paint to flow just right. With music like this, my mistakes in my paintings(I do make many) don't seem as gargantuan.

"Drawing/Children's Library", ink, 9x12, ©Toni Ruppert

For example, in my haste to finish my painting, I realized after doing the drawing (shown on this post) that I had no guys represented.  I had no models either.  Oops!

I quickly added some figures into the painting as placeholders.

Luckily, I was using oil for this piece and could easily add figures like this.  I have posted how it looked here.  I quickly called some dear friends who modeled for me that night and I was able to add in the figures.



"Progress/Children's Library", Oil, 24x36, ©Toni Ruppert

With a little help from iTunes -my music player on my computer--and a few extra painting hours, the piece was done.  

Music is an essential addition to my painting routine. 

 Put the music on and start the day is my advice. 

Do you use music in your work?  Has it helped with oopsies?  What are you swaying, twirling, pirouetting or bopping to?  I’d love to hear from you.

Art and Death: How One Artist Responds

"Laura's Dad", Pastel, 20x24, ©Toni Ruppert

What is it like to do a portrait of a dying man?  Do you see him as dying?  I’d like to respond to a comment left on a recent blog post.  I recently painted my friend Laura’s Dad not knowing he was THAT close.  It’s the not knowing that I want to discuss with you. 

Didn’t I see his frailty?   Not exactly.

I looked for beauty
I went in with high expectations and because I had no frame of reference--I expected beauty.  He was surrounded by decor that included African masks, a giraffe statue and a painting or two that he had collected over the years.  Greenery was everywhere and his home included a garden and water out back.   

There was light everywhere coming from the big windows and door to the back porch.  The light was hitting the fluffs of his white hair in such a way--they begged to be painted.  His hunter green polo sweat shirt somewhat matched the greenery I saw all around.  Finally, there was an eclectic mix of tunes coming from his CD player.

All of this put me in the painting mood.

I focused on my craft
When I set up my pastels on the table, I anticipated a good painting session.  I grabbed several colors -- some greens, burnt sienna, orange and lavender were among them.  He was very patient with me and even picked up a book to “read” at my request.

And I started to create what I saw.

I looked for the light and tried to express that in his skin tone.  I was in love with the pigments and seeing how I could use them to say what was before me.  I let the pastel sticks do the talking.

I modified my marks
Hence, I was never conscious of anything.  I modified my marks, not because I knew anything but because I was creating and did not know how much to show.  Do I show that crevice with a darker blue or a softer pale orange.  Do I render the thin cheek bones quite that thin?  His slight nose.  I went over certain parts over and over.   The pastels were lovely for this. 

It felt so good capturing his essence.  That he would pass away almost a month later was a shock to me.  My friend(Laura) talks extensively about this experience in her blog--No Safe Distance.

In hindsight, I saw the wrinkles --his large hands.  I noticed that he was quiet.  But in this beautiful moment, I noticed what my eyes told me.  And responded with artistry.  I did not realize that Laura’s Dad was fading.  That may just be a good thing.

Other creative folk can help in responses to death too.
For those of you who might want to create a tribute to your loved one; check out my friend Melanie Jongsma who is a writer who has utilized her craft in this way. 

Beth Lamie is another personal historian who helps people preserve their legacies in story.  Her projects vary from one-page vignettes, short stories and full life memoirs.

Have a loved one you wish to pay homage to? Email me to see if I can help you with a portrait.  I’ll take pictures or take a look at your pictures, and recommend something beautiful.